Who are the D’Archetypes?

Anthony is the eldest of three brothers in a Gujarati family living in North West London, in the United Kingdom. It is rumoured that being called ‘Anthony’ had a funny effect on him since childhood. He doesn’t like his Indian roots, and makes a conscious effort to play them down. He makes jokes about ‘coloured people’ to ingratiate himself to his peer group of white friends. Anthony is a carpenter. He plays football in a five-a-side football team called the East End Boot Boys, and loves drinking beer and supporting West Ham United. He has an ardent dislike of his brothers, who in his opinion destroy everything that Great Britain stands for.

Akbar is Anthony’s brother. His real name is Akshay, but all his friends call him Akbar. He has been into hip hop and black culture since he first heard Eric B and Rakim’s ‘Lyrics of Fury’. Inspired by some of his favourite rappers, he began to develop an interest in Islam, and has often considered converting. He earns his corn (cash) by shotting (selling) weed and selling mobile phone chips. He hates the British flag, and feels that the government and the police are extensions of an Empire which seeks to control and enslave black people. He has an ardent dislike of his brothers, whom he considers traitors to their ethnic origin.

Although a d’archetype, Yam Boy is also a person in his own rights. You can find proof of his existence on www.yamboy.net. He describes himself as an Asian Public Enemy, but I picture him in this way; imagine if Bernard Manning painted himself brown and started singing Proclaimers songs. Yam Boy is what would happen if Yoda landed in the middle of a Guy Ritchie film and started speaking in a Cockney-Hindi cross-dialect. When entering the world of the d’archetypes, Yamboy takes on the role of gatekeeper to the Underground (that is, the Asian Underground). Disguised as a homeless dude, beneath his cardboard box he harbours many secret powers.

Amar is the youngest of the three Shah brothers. Amar is a gay vegan actor. He loves raw food, yoga, acupuncture, Greenpeace, Vivienne Westwood, Aveda, Rothko, Paul Auster, weekend breaks to New York and Berlin, the Velvet Underground, and his mother. He takes care of his skin, exfoliating daily. He is both in therapy and practising to be a therapist, preferably one that combines ayurveda with NLP and kabbalah. He never brings his boyfriends home. He has an ardent dislike of his brothers, who he considers as ignorant immigrants.

By day, she is Shazia Mahmood - both good Muslim girl at home, rude gal at school. She incessantly flirts with Akbar, who harbours a crush on her. By night, she is ‘The Veil’, East London’s only contemporary Muslim superheroine. Like Batman before her, her superheroine identity was forged in the conflict between her devotion to her Islamic faith and her love of contemporary London life, short plaid skirts and the Sugababes. Her weapons of choice are rose petals, which she sprinkles on the citizens of East London while jumping from decaying tower blocks to Norman Foster buildings.

The Milky Bar Kid is both a Cowboy and an Injun. Also known as the tUrban Cowboy and the Bengali Svengali, he is ringmaster of the Wild East Roadshow, famed throughout the world for its eclectic blend of spirituality and glamour. The Milky Bar Kid is a cross between Osho, Puff Daddy and David Gest. He has a string of high profile yoga studios, whose USP is that practitioners are asked to practise tantric breathing techniques in tanning booths. His mantra is, “Get laid. Get paid. Don’t let the suntan fade.”

Rakesh Patel owns Patel’s Cash and Carry Emporium, branches of which can be found all over North West London. Like his good friend Vinod Shah, he arrived in England thirty years ago from East Africa and has taken to the United Kingdom like a Bombay Duck to water. He likes poker, prostitutes, Johnny Walker Black Label, chillis and meat. He frequently donates money to the Conservative party and one day hopes to become a peer. He divorced his wife and now has a Senegalese lover, who he has trained in the Art of Making Proper Indian Food. He has shares in Zee TV, and is likely to be featured in the Sunrise Radio Asian Rich List.

Like his similarly attired colleague Yam Boy, the Last Mango in Paris is actually a living person. He resides at the entrance to Bethnal Green tube station, and pretends to be a charming East End beggar to cover his true identity as a superhero, and gatekeeper to the labyrinth of the Underground (that is, London Underground). When he is not saving the planet, he loves indulging in wine, women, cheese and dancing ‘the funky chicken’.

Vinod Shah arrived in the UK thirty years ago, fresh off the boat from Kenya. Unlike his best mate Vinod Shah, he has had a few problems ‘integrating’ with Western society, though he does love the Queen. Sometimes a quite English accent slips into his Indian one. After thirty years working as a bus driver, he mostly spends his time at home, eating his wife’s Indian cooking and watching cricket on Sky TV. He is bemused at his three sons, and wished he had a daughter. He wears a wig, bemoans the state of society today and cries when listening to the Indian playback singer, Lata Mangeshkar.

Madhu Shah is frustrated wife of Vinod Shah, and the loving mother of her three boys Amar, Akbar and Anthony. She used to be quite involved with her local community of Asian wives and mothers, but recently has begun to yearn for slightly more; after so many years having a hard time in England, she is finally beginning to enjoy herself. She practises yoga and has begun to share Amar’s passion for raw food and the healing arts. She has turned from Saibaba devotee to a fan of Deepak Chopra, Anthony Robbins and the Milky Bar Kid. She wished her husband would take her out more; she wants to learn ballroom dancing, and she has ambitions to join her local amateur dramatics society. She wants to play Juliet, and is stil hoping that her husband may yet become the Romeo she desires.